Ugh.
It’s going to be a long, depressing summer movie season.
That’s my initial reaction putting together Choices’ annual summer movie preview story.
Sure, sequels, remakes and lots of movies with explosions are expected as the weather heats up. But this year’s crop of titles seem relentlessly bland — a collection of sequels to already-bad movies, a sprinkling of comic book-inspired titles and (unnecessary) remakes of classic movies.
(To that end, we decided to give you a helpful warning — think “Comic book movie alert!” or “Unnecessary sequel alert!” — before each of the more egregious titles. Feel free to make your own sound effects.)
There are a few potential bright spots on the horizon, though.
The period crime comedy “The Nice Guys” (May 20) looks like rude fun. Steven Spielberg and the late Melissa Mathison, the team who brought us “E.T.,” unleash the children’s fantasy “BFG” on July 1. And Meryl Streep looks like she’s having a blast playing the world’s worst opera singer in “Florence Foster Jenkins” on Aug. 12.
Before we get started at our look at summer movies hitting Tulare County theaters, remember release dates can change, so keep an eye on Choices throughout the summer for updates.
With that in mind, here’s Choices’ annual summer-movie preview:
May 6
Captain America: Civil War: Comic book movie alert No. 1! Former allies Iron Man (Robert Downey Jr.) and Captain America (Chris Evans) have a falling out. Mayhem ensues.
May 13
Money Monster: Jodie Foster directs this political thriller about Wall Street fraud. George Clooney stars.
The Darkness: A young boy is possessed by evil American Indian spirits. Sounds suspiciously like the bonkers 1970s thriller “The Manitou.” Kevin Bacon stars.
May 20
The Angry Birds Movie: Now mobile device video games are getting movies. Everyone sigh and roll their eyes in unison.
Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising: Unnecessary sequel alert, No. 1! Seth Rogen and Rose Byrne are back. This time they have to deal with a raunchy sorority. Zac Efron returns.
The Nice Guys: Russell Crowe and Ryan Gosling team up in this period crime drama based in the 1970s. Shane Black (“Lethal Weapon” and “Iron Man 3”) directs.
May 27
Alice Through the Looking Glass: Unnecessary sequel alert, No. 2! Tim Burton’s 2010 film that turned Alice into an action hero was a thundering disappointment. Hopefully, this one will be better. Johnny Depp, Anne Hathaway, Alan Rickman and Helena Bonham Carter all return.
X-Men Apocalypse: Comic book movie alert No. 2! The genetic freaks with super powers are back. This time they fight Apocalypse, the most powerful mutant in history. James McAvoy, Michael Fassbender, Jennifer Lawrence and Nicholas Hoult return.
June 3
Me Before You: The big screen adaption of Jojo Moyes’ bestseller about a woman who falls in love with a recently paralyzed man she’s taking care of.
Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping: SNL’s Andy Samberg stars in this parody about boy bands and teen idols.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: This one serves as both Unnecessary sequel alert No. 3 and comic book movie alert No. 3! The 2014 treatment of the 1980s animated series was terrible, so don’t expect much from the sequel.
June 10
The Conjuring 2: Let’s hope it’s as scary (and good) as the original. This time ghost hunters Patrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga travel to London to help a possessed child.
Warcraft: Nerd alert! The role-playing game gets big-screen treatment. Expect movie theaters packed with pale, socially awkward misfits.
Now You See Me 2: Unnecessary sequel alert, No. 4! Jesse Eisenberg, Common, Mark Ruffalo, Woody Harrelson and James Franco are back in the further adventures of con men magicians. The first film was dreadful.
June 17
Finding Dory:A sequel to Pixar’s beloved 2003’s “Finding Nemo.” The voices of Albert Brooks and Ellen DeGeneres return, along with newcomers Diane Keaton and Eugene Levy.
Central Intelligence: Dwayne Johnson and Kevin Hart star in this action comedy about a CIA agent who teams up with a high school friend to fight evil forces.
June 24
Independence Day Resurgence:A sequel to the 1996 blockbuster about an alien invasion. Bill Pullman and Jeff Goldblum return. Will Smith doesnot.One of the few sequels I’m looking forward to seeing this summer.
The Free State of Jones: Loosely based on historical events, this Civil War drama stars Matthew McConaughey as a southern farmer who leads a rebellion against the Confederacy during the Civil War.
The Shallows: A surfer (Blake Lively) lost at sea fights off a hungry Great White shark.
July 1
BFG: Roald Dahl’s children’s book comes to the big screen.
The Legend of Tarzan: Unnecessary remake alert, No. 1! Really? Another Tarzan movie. At least Alexander Skarsgård looks good in a loincloth.
The Purge: Election Year: Unnecessary sequel alert, No. 5! More dystopian violence in this dispiriting series set in a world where people can kill with impunity once a year.
July 8
The Secret Life of Pets: An animated film that looks at what pets do when their human masters aren’t around.
Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates: A raunchy comedy about two bros who bring a couple of “bad girls” to a family wedding.
July 15
Ghostbusters: Unnecessary remake alert, No. 2! An all-female version of the 1980s sci-fi comedy. Melissa McCarthy and Kristen Wiig co-star.
The Infiltrator: Bryan Cranston plays a real-life money launderer working for 1980s drug smugglers.
Our Kind of Traitor: Big screen adaptation of British novelist John le Carré thriller about Russian gangsters. Stars Ewan McGregor and Damian Lewis.
July 22
Star Trek Beyond: Another chapter in the Enterprise’s adventures. Chris Pine is back as Capt. Kirk. Justin Lin (of “Fast & Furious” fame) directs.
Ice Age: Collision: Unnecessary sequel alert, No. 5! The pre-historic dinosaur series looks awful threadbare these days.
Lights Out: A woman is haunted by a creature that only appears when the lights go out.
July 29
Jason Bourne:Matt Damon returns to the series about the kick-ass super spy. Original director Paul Greengrass returns as well, which is a really good sign.
Bad Moms: Three stressed-out mothers (Mila Kunis, Kristen Bell, Kathryn Hahn) take revenge on two “perfect” mothers (Christina Applegate and Jada Pinkett Smith).
Indignation: Based on Philip Roth’s novel, Logan Lerman plays a college student who must battle sexual repression and anti-Semitism at a conservative college.
Aug. 5
Suicide Squad: Comic book movie alert No. 4! This one assembles various DC Comic villains into a military unit. Let’s hope it’s better than “Batman V Superman.”
Nine Lives: Kevin Spacey plays a father who is trapped inside the body of his pet cat. No, really. Spacey as a cat. Seriously ...
Aug. 12
Florence Foster Jenkins: A comic biopic of a deluded rich person who thinks she is a world-class opera singer. Meryl Streep and Hugh Grant star.
Cafe Society: Woody Allen’s latest comedy set during Hollywood’s Golden Era. It stars Steve Carell, Kristen Stewart, Blake Lively and Jessie Eisenberg.
Pete’s Dragon: This remake of the 1977 Disney musical apparently drops the Helen Reddy songs in favor of drama. It’s directed by indie film director David Lowery and stars screen legend Robert Redford, so it could be good.
Sausage Party: Seth Rogen’s raunchy animated send up of Pixar films. It’s about a sausage leading a group of supermarket products in a revolt.
Spectral: A Special Ops team is dispatched to fight supernatural beings.
Aug. 19
Ben Hur: Unnecessary remake alert, No. 3! Do we really need a remake of an Oscar-winning classic? That sound you hear is Charlton Heston spinning in his grave.
Kubo and the Two Strings: A 3D stop-motion animated film set in an ancient Japan.
The Space Between Us: A boy (Asa Butterfield) from Mars falls in love with a girl on Earth.
War Dogs: A dramatic comedy about two corrupt arm dealers (Jonah Hill and Miles Teller) who land a billion-dollar deal with the U.S. government.
Aug. 26
Hands of Stone: A biopic of boxer Roberto Durán. Stars Édgar Ramírez and Robert De Niro.
Mechanic: Resurrection: Unnecessary sequel alert, No. 6! And a double whammy: Unnecessary remake alert, No. 4! Jason Statham is back in this sequel to the Charles Bronson remake. This makes my head hurt.
Don’t Breathe: Three young thieves (Jane Levy, Dylan Minnette, Daniel Zovatto) fight for their lives after breaking into the home of a blind veteran (Stephen Lang) who has a dark side.
Indie films
Every summer a couple of independent films emerge from the crowd of summer blockbusters to become surprise hits with moviegoers.
So, which films have a chance to be this year’s “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” or “Little Miss Sunshine”?
Here’s a quick look at some smaller titles that have no set release date in the Central Valley, but may have what it takes to compete with the blockbusters:
Absolutely Fabulous: The Movie: Jennifer Saunders and Joanna Lumley bring their beloved British TV series about two drunken rowdy women to the big screen.
A Bigger Splash: While vacationing with her boyfriend (Matthias Schoenaerts), a rock star (Tilda Swinton) receives an unexpected visit from an old flame (Ralph Fiennes) and his daughter (Dakota Johnson).
Dark Horse: The acclaimed Todd Solondz (“Welcome to the Dollhouse”) directs this comedy about an oddball romance.
Equals: Two people (Kristen Stewart, Nicholas Hoult) fall in love in an oppressive society where human emotions have been eradicated.
The Founder: A film biopic of McDonald’s founder Ray Croc (Michael Keaton).
Lobster: In a dystopian society, single people must find mates within 45 days or risk being transformed into animals. Collin Farrell stars.
Love & Friendship: An adaptation of Jane Austen’s romance. Kate Beckinsale and Chloë Sevigny star.
Maggie’s Plan: Ethan Hawke and Julianne Moore star in this comedy about a woman having a baby with a married man.
The Meddler: After the death of her husband, a woman (Susan Sarandon) moves to Los Angeles to be closer to her daughter (Rose Byrne).
Sing Street: Irish teenagers start a band in 1980s Dublin in order to meet girls. It’s an absolute delight.
Southside with You: Recounts President Obama’s first date with his future wife.
Swiss Army Man: Daniel Radcliffe — yes, Harry Potter — plays a farting corpse who washes up on a desert island where he becomes friends with shipwrecked Paul Dano. WE. KID. YOU. NOT.
Weiner: A documentary that follows disgraced politician Anthony Weiner’s doomed New York City mayoral run.
